Responsibilities, Learning etc...

As I may have previously mentioned, I started writing this as my way of coming to terms with what has happened. Recent events have made me think about how and why I am writing this.

These lines are not purely my point of view. Losing our baby is certainly not just my loss and, if anything, has affected Gayatri much, much more. We discuss my posts before they are published and while it allows us to talk about what happened, in quite a few cases we have found that these lines have echoed thoughts that both of us have felt independently.

Getting my emotions and thoughts out in this blog helps me look at what happened slightly more dispassionately and I also believe that it helps me deal with this at home, when people call and visit, in a less emotional way.

While at times I feel guilty that perhaps I am not crying about it enough (perhaps it hasn't hit me yet?), I still feel that there is no right way to feel or no correct answer to the question of how emotional I'm supposed to be right now.

Perhaps the one thing I have not taken into account is what the family might feel after reading this. After all, like I've written above, it isn't my loss alone. The loss of a baby isn't just devastating to her parents but also to her uncles, aunts and grandparents and I must admit that I haven't really considered whether any of our family would find reading this upsetting.

I suppose it comes down to the question of whether someone who is writing also has a responsibility to the readers or whether the sole responsibility is to tell the story as honestly as possible, especially if it is an autobiography.


___________________________________________________________________________________

Over the past 2 weeks, we have heard different opinions from people about how to deal with what happened. Some people have told us to forget that it happened and move on. Others have told us that naming the baby helps us remember. I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet. To me, it feels like she wasn't a part of us yet, though we will never forget her or what she looked like.

I think that we both have a responsibility to each other and to our baby, to never forget what has happened. Despite our first pregnancy having a rather tragic end, it has shaped us in ways that will make these days impossible to forget.

I would like to believe that I have become more sensitive to the needs of my wife and have become a more responsible person.
Gayatri, after a long time, feels comfortable asking others for help. Having managed her own life in IIT and in the US for 6 years, being pregnant allowed her to relax and let others finally do a few things for her.

___________________________________________________________________________________


With the loss of our baby now being officially deemed an unexplained phenomenon, we cannot medically learn anything more about what happened.

Our learning therefore is that we believe we are now better people and better for the experience of this having happened. Our learning is that we are closer and have more love for each other now than we did before.

...And surely that isn't such a bad thing to take away from this all, is it?