Answering the "Why" question

4 days have passed but we still have questions, the foremost of which is Why this happened.

The even more worrying thought is if we could have prevented this or if something that we did caused this.

The mind has a life of its own and though we're fairly logical, scientific people and it would seem silly to think that small, seemingly unrelated, insignificant things could have played a part in the events of Friday night, I can't help thinking about how Gayatri rolled against my knee one night in bed or that Gayatri missed taking her Iron and Calcium tablets for 2 days or that I refused to pay a transgendered person in Lalbagh.

Maybe we could have noticed changes in the baby's movement or patterns and maybe we could have been paying more attention. Maybe we could have read more baby books.

Maybe none of the above would have made a difference, but there they are - my biases and irrationality out in the open.

Perhaps for these thoughts to stop, we need to know what caused our baby to be still born. I don't need a guarantee that it won't happen again and don't need to know that it could have been prevented or even can be prevented for the next time around.

I just need to know so that the corner of my mind can stop attributing it to stupid, insignificant, incidental things.

Maybe this is why so many people are so religious... maybe it is because Science or its Practitioners don't have all the answers and even if they do, the answers are cold and emotionless and give you no place to hide, when that is all that you want to do. It is easier to turn to faith when Science fails you or if Science is about to tell you that you were at fault.

Though my family is traditional, not all of my family are very religious and this point feels like a little test of where it is that I place my faith.

Maybe it is just best to place my faith in people - those that I love and those that I know will love me, no matter what - and maybe that will help me through.